Hay… malungkot ang shift na ‘to. Ngaun lan araw na ‘to. Dahil wala c ate marilyn, (malamang last day na nya kahapon dito sa ofc dhil resigned na xa.) Tas wala c peps (new found friend ko na I admit e sobraaaaang mabait saken.) Wala din c jen (new found friend ko din na sobra kaloka loka kaya enjoy ako sa presence nya.). tas wala din c Alexander, mejo closeness ko dahil tropa kame at mabaet xa saken kahet minsan eh sobrang makulet (makulet na nakakaaliw nman) mga simpleng taong nakapagpapasaya saken lately. Mga taong naging mabuti kay omeng nitong mga nakaraang araw at maging noon nman mas lalo lang ngaun. Tahimik lang ako ngaung araw na to dahil wla cla… but it’s only 7:09 a.m. marami pang pedeng mangyari……

Hayyy… an chaya chaya ko kahapon! Yep! Dahil… dahil… dahil nakasakay nako ng train. Yep! M.E.T.R.O  T.R.E.N! as in ung may riles, ung mabilis (na prang nde) tas ung nasa may buendia. Nyehehe! Ang chaya chaya! At tri twenti payb lan ang bayad. Tipid. Pero di pa din. Sa my sta mesa me baba eh. Nyehehehe!

At dahil nga sumakay me sa train, nipagusapan nmen ni alexander kun baket kaya may nasasagasaan sa train eh madami nmang dahilan pra nde cla dapat masagasaan. Tulad halimbawa ng my ilaw pala sa mas naunang istasyon to warn the others na may approaching na train. O kaya maingay naman ung train ah! Kahit cno cguro madidinig un. Ah basta! D dahilan na wala cla sa sarili nung tumatawid. Dahil bawal cla sa malapet sa train pg ganun ang state nla! Ah basta! Bawal tlga an tanga. Ignorante pede pero tanga bawal talaga!

Di lan dun nagtatapos an adbentyur ni omeng. Lam ba u na tinour ako ni alexander sa PUP. Yep. Nagtour kme dun. Perstaym ko kc makapunta dun. Umikot kme. Sa building nla. Sa opis ng dean ng opis ad. Den ikot kme sa may lovers lane nila kun tawagin tas sa may tambayan ng APO (cha mga brods en sises ko), den ikot kme sa may pool den sa may gym. Malaki ung skul nila. Nagustuhan ko dun kc parang sa UP or UST maraming malalaking grounds. Green pa ang fields. Wukey talaga!

Pero ang da best tlaga dun ay ang chili burger sa J6. yum! Wukey tlga xa! Pramis. Wukey xa!

Tas apter dat, went to B.R.A.V.O B.A.S.T.E! kahet la me load at di shur na mqta ko an akin mga fwends, punta p din me. En guess wat…nagkita pa din kme nan fwend kow. Nagplano kame nagi-gimik ng 1^st wik ng August. Sana matuloy. Destination: NASUGBU BATANGAS. Yeah! I love d beach! Nyehehehe!

Last night, I was overeager to get to work. Nothing. It was nothing. It was just that i wanted to get my hands immediately on a computer to write because I felt, I felt that I am filled with emotions that keep on brimming on to the surface, but with no one to share it with. And yet, now that I am here, I can’t seem to find the words to start off with, I am at a loss.

I had too much time last night. To sleep. My much wanted sleep. But it was too evasive even in a night when time is of abundance for me to devote it to such. My body was weak from the day’s activities but my mind and my heart is uneasy, it won over the rest of my faculties. I’m worn out but I can’t be dead for the night.

I thought. And thought. And thought. And even the music supported my thoughts. And guess who are the people that came to my memory brought about by my thoughts and my music? I know you need not guess for my life has revolved too much around them that one can tell even if they are not mind readers but simple persons. Yes you thought correct. It has always been them: Aldwin. Apyong. And …...

A month ago, Apyong celebrated his 5^th year death anniversary. He has never left my mind. My best friend. Best Guy friend. I promised to him three years ago that I will stop going to his grave for 5 years and visit him again when I am ready. Two years left to that promise. But still, until now, I cannot accept that I have lost my best friend over to death. And I that I have lost him without having fought for him. Because there’s no way for me to fight for him. I can only watch him go. Two years left and still, I have not let him go.

Last year, on the same date as today, my other bestfriend said goodbye… in a different way. He resigned from work leaving me to wallow in sadness and feeling his absence strongly. I remembered how he asked me if I could be his best friend which now I regretted having accepted. Because I have been a fool to believe that I can confine myself to just being within that definition: best friends. I fell in love with him. And I am a bigger fool to believe that after falling for him, I can revert our friendship back to the same way that it used to be. But that was that. A dream! Now he married. I felt forgotten. I clung to my illusion. And still, I’ve lost my bestfriend.

The last person (to protect my ego or what’s left of my dignity, I cannot simply admit that I consider him one of my best friends and that I cannot humble myself to even say it aloud, nor announce it to the world), is the best friend that I have lost even before we have even built on a friendship. It saddens me that a good start was not able to go further, or was put on to a halt. Partly his fault, or maybe mine. But the point is, it’s not meant to be. And it has to be ended, somewhere. Ask me if I should fight for such a friendship… I would’ve, except that I am tired.

It was a long night. And I was able to think more… and I remembered this story I heard from a mass I have attended in one of the masses here in RCBC chapel…. The priest narrated:

There was this soldier who fell in love with a beautiful princess. Even when he was in a battle, his thoughts remained with the love of his life. But the princess is unwary of such love until, finally she noticed and thought that she’ll put the love of the soldier to a test. He said to the soldier. “I will love you on one condition. You will stay under my window for one hundred days and wait for me to come and see you. For one hundred days! And if you have proven that you can wait, I will love you.” The soldier, wanting to prove that his love was pure, waited by the princess’ window day after day, despite the rain and the sun, he remained. 30 days passed. And then 60, then finally, the 99^th. One more day and the promise shall be fulfilled. The princess will accept his love and marry him. One more day. The princess followed through the progress of the man she learned to love. Only to be surprised that on the 100^th day, the soldier left. Had he not loved her enough? When asked, the soldier replied, “No. that is how much I love her. I proved to her that I can weather a storm if needed if only to prove to her his love. But he just can’t bear to make the princess love him just because of a promise made.”

…. I would like to think that here, I am the soldier and I did what I can, I gave my part of the bargain. But I will not, I will not fulfill my 100^th day, so that you can give yours. I want you guys to just be free, not be bound to any promise of friendship that you made to me. But I will continue to be… the best friend that I have been to you, as much as I can., as long as I have the strength. These are strong words, I will try very much to attain.

I finally had the sleep I wanted, on a time that I have to wake up in order to go to work and write these stuffs. I hope for a better day today….

wawa nman Omeng. Nilagnat por seben days. Tsk! Beri bad! Absent tuloy sa opis. Absent sa iskul. Paktay! (owss?! Wawa ba tlga? Hehehe!). well, not rili. Lyk insanity, I had my lucid intervals for which I spent my time wisely. Lyk nung Sunday, when I was not totally aching all over, and my tonsils had been nice and my temperature is good enough to venture the world outside, I went to the mall with my family. Yep! Bought a few things and dined out with them. It was fun (as usual!) but the in-betweens were the ones that have been killing me. Aaaargh! Beri painful ang throat ko… un tuloy, I cant talk (and that is TORTURE for me!) glad though that it was over. No more pains. Pero ang not okay for me ay ang goodbye na sa afternoon naps ko…balik dorm nako (mami-miss ko na c louie ko and ang family ko)… tas ang malufet sa lahat, balik opis at iskul na nman ako! Huwaaaaay??? Ayoko na ‘ika! Buhuhuhu!

BESTFRIENDS? u were telling me na akala mo bestfriends tau? well, ask ko muna whether u know the definition of best friends. when u do, balik ka saken, then we'll see. u never really knew how to be a bestfriend. and so you'll know, best friends don't hurt each other. i failed in being your best friend and you failed in being mine, so i guess this will not work. ewan ko lang. for now, bad trip lang talaga ako sau. y? ewan ko din. basta. at saka, pagod nako being nice. ayoko na na lagi na lang umiintindi. minsan, intindihin din sana ako. pagod nako. and i don't want to take any more of your crap. from now on, i-define natin ang space kung hanggang san ka lang pedeng lumapit saken. masyado ka na yatang comfortable saken. but you're missing something, u can't just do anything with me and treat me like i am just trash. my feelings din ako and i get hurt. bagay na nde mo naiintindihan dahil kilala mo si mhina na mabaet. but people change. maybe now ayoko ng maging mabaet. ayoko na.

I've learned...That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be
appreciated and loved.

…. And that goes for me too. sometimes, I need to be told that “hey mhina… I love yah! muah!” nyahahaha!

I've learned....That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me
think I can?

…. Most especially, getting other people’s approval on almost everything. FROM NOW ON, I will not try to please other people anymore. I will first work on my own satisfaction before others. I am stopping from seeking anybody’s approval. I am the commander of my own ship. MY HAPPINESS DON’T DEPEND ON OTHER PEOPLE’S HAPPINESS. I am my own person.

I’ve learned…. That nobody can hurt you without your consent.

…. I was soooooo.... stupid for letting them! IT’S PAYBACK TIME… nyahahaha (evil laugh!)

I've learned....That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only
letting that person continue to hurt you.

….hmmmn… then I guess I’ll never get to get to the PAYBACK TIME, errrrh…. But watch out, I may choose to be hurt forever just to get even… bad mhina!

I've learned...That love, not time, heals all wounds.

…. See me prove this one… but maybe if I find the right man to get hurt over with, and to allow him heal the wounds. Yeah! Hopeless romantic! (Girl, martyrs get shot by a firing squad and that’s in the 17^th century…duh!) and I am old-fashioned-pathetic!

I've learned...That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to
surround myself with people smarter than I am.

….goodluck finding one! Errrrh!

I've learned...That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

…. Wish to find both, someone who’s perfect and someone…to fall in love with….! But like the best spots in the parking lot, all the best ones are taken…

I've learned....That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

…. Life is a continuous struggle. I will not give up. I will not consider it lost until I have fallen and died. I will blame no one but me, because I am in control of my ship, whatever went wrong, nobody could be blamed except me. It could either be negligence, or something that is not meant to be. I will be tough… from now on…

I've learned...That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the
ones you miss.

…. At least someone gets to be luckier than I am.

I've learned....That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock
elsewhere.

…. So this is the wrong that I have continuously committed in the past. I wonder why is it that I only knew of this only now. Had it been earlier, I could have been happier earlier. I am sending bitterness to dock somewhere far away from me. I deserve to be happy too… ayt?

I've learned...That I wish I could have told those I cared about that I
love them one more time before they passed away.

…. To my cuz, Rodwin. And to my bro, bestfriend, Apyong, c’mon guys, you were never forgotten. I may be busy sometimes, but hey, thoughts of you are always here… I promise…

I've learned....That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do
about it.

…. And right now, this is how I choose to do. To react only when needed. My feelings are now for me alone. I will not be a pawn by no one anymore. I am setting up parameters. I am not letting anyone to get too close. I need a bit of space to breathe. I need some room for me to move about. I want some time alone with me…. From now on…

I've learned....That the less time I have to work, the more things I get
done.

I can't believe i slept all day. as in! i slept the entire day! and i am not exaggerating. ah eh nde nman pla. i watched nman pala ung how to lose a guy in ten days (por d 40th time! hehehe! and still naaaliw pa din ako. hehehe!) pagdating ko from my shift around 7am un. nakatulog me around 9am na. den i woke up ng 4pm. i went out for a while to eat (di me nakabreakfast en lunch. i was famished.) mga 45 minutes me sa labas and den slip again. nde pa nakontento, na-late pako sa ofc kc 9:30pm nko nagising. errrh... anubahtoh!

PARA SA KAALAMAN NG LAHAT: twice nako nakakapag-log sa mahiwagang papel ng mga pasaway. hehehe! mga violations: USE OF INTERNET! saka USE OF INTERNET! swerte p me nyan kc walang sanction kapag natutulog sa shift kundi ggcngin lang ng PS. kun ngkataon, hayyy.... mga wan million ang violations ko na nakalog. hehehe! tas use of celfone? errr... di pa naman me nahuhuli. wala naman kc tumatawag saken lately pagka-implement ng mga rules na un eh! hehehe! so swerte nla! hahaha! katulad nito, nage-en3 na nman akoh! tsk! ambad. ambad ni mhina!

kelan kaya ako ccpagin mag-aral? kelan kaya? awwww.... ewankoseio! bala k n nga!

i would like to thank my sponsors. mami en dadi por suporting moi alawans en ebriting els, lab, komport, enkoraydsment, lhat. kuya en ate por ganun na den. siyeng por da moral suport en being my pakner in crime/da aksesori in da kraym, wateber! louie ivan por my smayl en inspiration. gianna marie por bein' lyk 'er kuya louie. en dream machine por my sleep the entire apternun. da manong draybers por not yet getting 7.50 as pamasahe.  ela por da 30 pesos ay babalek ko den pla un, anu nlng por olweis list'ning to my senTimenTs. poleng dahel natauhan nako. alexander por not squealing abawt da sikret (*wink*) errr... jesan dahel napancn mong babae tlga ako. mags por sending me an email. mitchikoy por da tex mesage na di ko nareply (sowee!), rio por da klawd nayn na di ko nakaen dhel bawal saken. blagdrayb dahel my outlet nako ng mga hangups kow. eData dahel libre an internet. saka eradioportal por my music. kay jesepe den por da siga cornbits por widawt him alang makukukot d2. en to ol op dows hu neber gets tyrd op me. mabohay kau lahat. errrrh.... anubahtoh!